Managing the Questions by family.
The questions and comments, although often well intended, can hurt.
You get to a certain age or relationship status with your partner, and it can feel like everyone is asking you the same questions and making the same comments. “So, are you pregnant?” “When are you guys going to have kids?” “Did you know that your cousin is pregnant again? She wasn’t even trying!” “You are not growing younger; you need to find partner if you want to be a mom.”
Soon it can feel impossible to escape the topic at any holiday dinner, birthday party or weekend at the cottage. Your family is excited about the possibility of babies! I get it, what they do not understand is that with each and every comment you grow smaller and feel more broken. The feelings are not necessarily toward your family but toward your circumstances. Some are angry at the world; others feel forsaken or abandoned by God. What is often made to be a time of bounding and fun with family can turn into a night, evening or weekend of grief. You may even find yourself avoiding family functions for this reason.
I am here to give you the language to prepare for these events. The confidence to show up and know that whatever is thrown at you, “you’ve got this!” I will also give you the permission to stay home.
We love our family and for the most part, I believe that their comments are thought to be benign in nature. Our first step to evaluate the relationship. Is this a dearly loved family member or friend asking? Is it a distant relative who you only see each Christmas and is often pretty opinioned. The first thing I teach my clients is to evaluate their comfort level talking about their infertility and family building dreams. Does it feel share to share? Are you comfortable talking about this topic? Then I have then evaluate their audience? Has your audience earned your story? Do you trust them? Do you feel safe with them?
I like to call them the “marble jar” members. These are the people who have earned your trust. Each marble in the jar represents a deposit they have made by actions of kindness, generosity, honoring privacy and valuing the relationship. Some members are a ton of marbles, other have few. The ones who have shown up for you, maintained appropriate boundaries, been reliable friends and family members to you, they have taken responsibility for their wrongdoings, respected your differences, remained generous, kind and understanding. If your audience, is a marble jar friend, you may want to approach the topic with transparency. This can open you up for vulnerability but if they truly are your marble jar members, they can serve to be a strength and support to you.
You may want to say, "This is a difficult topic for us, we have had some difficulty, and it has been really hard.” Another statement could be, “Sounds like you value the role of parenthood, as do I. It’s hard knowing that parenthood does not always come that easily to all people." How and to what extend you share your story is up to you. I would highly consider and evaluate their status and your tolerance that day. Some feel inspired at this time to talk about the rates of infertility. “Did you know that 1 in 6 couples who desperately want a child struggle with infertility?”
As for the nonmarble jar folks, we may not feel comfortable expressing our vulnerability. Responses to this audience could look like. “I don’t really know.” “That is a popular question, I wish I had an answer for you.” You may also choose to walk away.
In any situation, knowing that you are in control of the conversation and how it flows including when or if you want to have it. There are times when you may “check your tolerance” and come to understand that you “just don’t have it in you today and THIS IS COMPLETELY FINE!” Please do not feel you need to explain yourself. These are the times when you meet your needs first.
